On Being "Good in Bed," or in the Kitchen, in the Woods or in the University Library

Greta Christina has a very interesting post up, discussing the phrase, "good in bed." Now as one who has been described in those terms by everyone in a position to know....Err, wait a minute - ok, yeah, so I've been described in those terms, but the mileage has varied here and there. But I think that I am pretty well qualified to discuss this topic, as there are reasons I have been, how shall we say, around the block - most of the city and quite a bit of the countryside. And no, it's not because I'm a Fabio, or because I am a Don Juan (though in some regards...). Indeed, as much as it pains me to admit, I probably don't even have the carnal skills of Ron Jeremy. We'll get to that in a minute...

Greta doesn't like the phrase "good in bed." My initial reaction to seeing the title was, neither do I... It's always rather bothered me because it ignores the importance of being, "good in the laundry room," "good in the kitchen," "good on the balcony, where the neighbors might catch us," "good on her desk at work," or "good in the university library." That has always been the problem I've had with "good in bed" and even after Greta's post it still is. If you're only "good in bed" you are missing out on some really great sex and a wonderful facet of human sexuality. This isn't to say that sex in bed isn't beautiful too, just that there is a whole world of sexuality to explore and if those explorations are limited to the bed and bedroom, most of the world of sexuality will be ignored.

Sex where you might get caught at it by others, is heady and especially exciting. It is important to take a great deal of care in choosing such a spot, because you don't want very good odds of the person catching you to be someone who should not, such as a child. But when it's done just right, it can make for absolutely incredible sex. One of my favorites when I was younger and first into wearing skirts, was to fuck out in the open, but hidden by draping skirts. On occasion I got busted - there are certain noises that are unmistakable. But I only did that sort of thing in adult only venues, usually private homes during open gatherings, hosted by people I knew wouldn't mind. Indeed, this occasionally led to rather bland parties, turning into quite memorable ones...Though it could also end up kind of awkward - but that is part of the excitement of public sex - trying to avoid the awkward and definitely trying to avoid arrest.

Sex in a natural setting can also be very exciting, even when there's little to no risk of getting caught - or if getting caught wouldn't be the least problematic or awkward. My favorite is hot, passionate sex near flowing water and flowering honeysuckle, lilac and/or lavender - the scents, the water and an aroused, sweaty body against mine - hell fucking yes!!! (I cannot stress enough, the importance of identifying and avoiding poison ivy and poison oak - and making sure that there isn't any anywhere even close to where you are playing - even if you usually aren't all that "athletic" with your lovemaking. Trust me, there are places you really don't want to end up with that problem and it seems like certain bodily fluids act as a magnet.) But that warning aside, sex in nature is awesome big fun. Plenty of room to move and lots of objects that can become tools or furniture to enhance the experience - finding the right spot can make for hours upon hours of excellent lovemaking - but be sure to bring plenty of clear fluids to drink, food to eat and comfortable blankets and possibly cushions. If you are going to be out there for large chunks of a day, you are going to want all of those things.

The next one is fairly specific to bibliophiles such as myself. I have to admit that I have something of a fetish for libraries and one time a used book store. Especially that used book store...I love sex around books - lots of books. Like the honeysuckle, lilac and lavender, the smell of books is a huge turn on for me. Little says fantastic sex like the rare books room, or a used book store after hours. Unless of course you somehow managed to hook up with a non-bibliophile, or worse, aren't a bibliophile yourself. I know such people exist in theory, but...Ok, now that I've gone all clammy...lets just assume that we're all bibliophiles and leave it at that...

And of course, there is sex all over the damned house or apartment (apartment common laundry spaces combine several aspects of kinky fun). If you don't at least venture out of the bedroom, you are needlessly missing out. You just need to be aware of a few things. Refrigerators do occasionally fall down. Dryers may move when running when you are fucking on them. End tables and coffee tables are not usually built nearly well enough - nuff said. Bending over the arm of the couch puts her (or his) pertinent bits in the perfect position. A good swing is easy to construct - just be very careful where and how it's mounted - unless you are experienced, do not attempt to mount one in a frame.

Sex around your living space is important. It is a very safe way to really explore you and your partner's sexuality and bodies. It affords opportunities to try many positions, use many objects and see your body and more importantly, your partner's body in a variety of lights, settings and interesting positions. Exploring one anther's bodies and your own is so very important to having an exciting, healthy sex life. Too many of us have some latent shame, hammered into us by a repressive society. Trust me, you have nothing to be ashamed of. We all have these bits that can be so many things and feel so many things. Celebrate who and what you are, in all your glory and celebrate your partner as well. Like me, I have a penis that is really small when it's flaccid. It gets to be fairly average in size when I'm hard, but it's a wee thing when I'm not - though I have pretty big, funny looking balls. I also have a few rather peculiar scars, including an interesting one on my left ass cheek that is it's own erogenous zone. I also have rather funny looking knees, the right more so, due to a scar. These aren't flaws though - to the contrary, these things are what make exploring your partner's body so much fun. Discovering the areas that turn them on - especially the areas they didn't even know turned them on. Finding fun little surprises - like funny shaped scars and the sometimes funny stories behind them.

But none of this has a damned thing to do with Greta's post. Her objection to "good in bed" isn't the same as my own, she's using the context of "good in bed" as it implies "a good sex partner." And hers is rather important too, though I question it to a degree - not the fundamental premise, but something more fundamental. To whit:

In my experience, once you have these basics, good sex isn't about learning a lot of fancy tricks or positions. It's about communicating: being able to say what you want without pessimism or fear; being able
to listen to what your partner wants without getting threatened or hurt. It's about being familiar with your own body and your own desires and responses, so you can communicate them in the first place. It's about being perceptive: paying attention to non-verbal signals as well as verbal ones. It's about giving a shit about your partner's pleasure in the first place, and being able to get aroused by their excitement as well as your own.

She ultimately concludes that good in bed should really be, good with your partner - or partners, because she, like myself isn't particular or judgmental.

The problem I have with this, is that being a good lover means that you are all the things described above or open to being those things - because not everyone has much or any experience as a lover. Personally, I would much rather fuck my hands, than go through the trouble of having sex with someone who isn't enthusiastic or who freaks out if you suggest they try this or that - or who won't tell you they don't like something you're doing or like something you're not doing. Less messy the hands and a lot less hassle, if all that one is getting out of sex is a fucking orgasm. Honestly, as far as orgasms alone are concerned, I rather prefer the orgasms produced by my hands and/or a toy or two. Sex is exciting because of the interactive qualities, because you are doing everything possible to make your partner explode in intense pleasure and they are doing the same to you. Sex is exciting when you are doing everything you can to make this sex the very best sex your partner has ever had and they are doing the same for you. Being a great lover is being the person who wants to provide that kind of experience for your partner - nothing more, nothing less. And while you may not always have the great sex, because you may not always be with a partner who wants to provide all that in return - because you may not always be with a partner who is also a good lover - if you are that kind of lover, you will always be "good in bed."