Wherein DuWayne Rants About the #$@&ing Drug Laws

Before I start, I would really like to recommend that you take a listen to Gabriela Montero. I recently discovered her whilst listening to one of my Pandora stations and her playing made me weep for the beauty and the passion with which she throws herself into her variations and compositions. Gabriela is a wholly remarkable pianist, a child prodigy who has matured into brilliant and nuanced composer. And she is also great stress relief...

I have had a not so grand day today. It started well enough, though not as productively as I might have wished. And I had a fantastic visit with the doctor, where we discussed my meds and how the new regimen has been working out. We decided to double my dose of Wellbutrin, from 100mg in the morning to 100mg in the morning and another at lunch (something I was going to do a couple weeks ago, but chose to wait because he wanted to see me to add the extra dose). I was actually feeling pretty damned good when I left the doctor's office - almost three and I had only smoked two cigarettes all day.

How quickly things can change. Today I discovered just how fragile a thing, this thing that is my calm and collect self.

More...

The fucking war on drugs put me on the verge of a nervous fucking breakdown today. Though I was heading that way when I went to get my scripts filled in the first place.

My fucking Wellbutrin costs eighty-six fucking dollars as a fucking generic. Eighty-six dollars!!! And the version I am taking is not available much cheaper anywhere - including mail order. I very nearly started crying in the fucking store when they told me that. I'm working on getting help with my scripts through the state, but the wheels turn slowly. My folks are helping out some, but that just stresses me out more, because I don't want to be a fucking burden on them at thirty-two years old. I was frustrated and angry and decided to hold off on that one to see if I could find to cheaper elsewhere, or if there might be another option for finding Bupropion for less, but in the same dose as I've been taking.

No such luck, this time around.

So I decide to get it filled and owe my parents even more. Fucking yeah for me!!! I headed back to Wal-Mart and handed the women at the window the script, having completely forgotten that I had been told earlier (when I dropped off the others) that they were out of that one anyways. The women at the window punched it all into the computer and told me it would be about twenty minutes, so I sat down to wait. After about half an hour, the women who had originally taken my scripts came out to remind me that they were out of that particular dosage of Wellbutrin. Mind you, the women who had taken the script had seen me sitting there several times, while helping other fucking customers - never once occurred to her to let me know that I couldn't get my fucking drug. Nor did they consider just fucking calling me to tell me - if they hadn't noticed (they are usually really good about calling for stuff like that and they weren't very busy).

What the fuck does this have to do with the war in drugs, you ask?

I had a check with me, written for the total cost of all three of my scripts. And even though another Wal-Mart has the Welbutrin, I couldn't pay for it at the one I was in. So I had to transfer the other two to the other fucking pharmacy as well. The only problem being that Clonidine and Ritalin are controlled fucking substances and they can't be called in. They can't be faxed over and apparently, they can't even get them ready in anticipation of the fucking paper script being brought in. Nor can they be refilled - every month, my doctor has to write another script for me.

Of course I had wasted nearly half an hour sitting in fucking Wal-Mart before I became aware that I would have to go to another store - about half an hour across town. And not only would I have to run over there to get them, I would have to fucking wait there while they filled my other two scripts - because we have the most ridiculous fucking drug laws ever. Mind you, it was close to dinner time and a friend of mine was joining us. I was about fifteen minutes late when it was all over with. (Though I did get a text from the most beautiful and brilliant women in the world, who just seems to know when a text from her is going to take the edge off of stressful situations - thanks Juniper)

My problems today and with getting more than thirty days worth of my meds at a time, are far from the only egregious intrusion that our draconian drug laws have thrust into medicine. Because of course, there is also the war on pain management to be considered. You know, the war in which not only patients who doctor shop and fraudulently acquire multiple scripts for the same pain killers (often times to sell them) got to jail, but even doctors who appear to be over prescribing and patients who are engaged in a good faith pain management regimen with their (only) prescribing doctor.

I am so fucking tired of this paternalistic fucking bullshit! This has gotten beyond fucking ridiculous - went beyond that point fucking years ago. The war on drugs interferes with the ability of doctors to care for patients, therapists to freely help drug addicts and substance abusers and patients to have reasonably simple and rather less costly access to their medications.

Fuck You drug warriors - Every MotherFucking One of You!!!

Post Wizard and Doctor Update...

It was a very interesting and stressful day yesterday. Therapy was pretty intense for me, as usual and the visit to the doctor was pretty intense too - though I really think that the two on the same day is rather helpful. It helps to deal with both on the same day, because both are hard to deal with and getting them done together is much easier than trying to go through this shit on two different days. And it also puts everything firmly to the forefront, so I can really provide the doctor with solid perspective.

Last night I didn't take the Seroquel. I'm still a little off, but feel better than I have since I started taking it - and that even though I started my new meds right away. Before I talk about those though, I really want to be clear about something. Just because Seroquel didn't work for me, doesn't mean it's not a good drug. It just means it wasn't a good fit for me.

I recently reconnected with an old friend. Back when she was part of the group of friends I spent a lot of time with, nine years ago or so, she was pretty extreme in many of her behaviors. And she was also pretty obsessive. When I ran into her about a week ago, she was really stable - a huge difference. As soon as I mentioned this difference she said that changing the influences in her life and therapy had helped, but that the biggest help was from her meds. When I asked her what she's taking, she said Seroquel.

And that's the thing about psych meds (or most meds really), what works for one person, may not work so well for another.

So now I am continuing on the Ritalin and occasional Xanax, while replacing the Seroquel with Welbutrin and Clonidine - we shall see how it goes...

Reading What isn't there - Figuratively and Literally

I should mention that I actually got the material I was looking for, thanks Becca.....

Before I go very far, I am hoping for some help. I really need an article out of a journal that is not part of the databases I have access to. Because I am uncertain I will actually want to use it, I don't want to buy it. So if you have access to the journal Psychology of Men and Masculinity I would really appreciate it if you would email me. If I actually end up using the article I am looking for, I don't mind buying it. But if I'm not, I'd rather not spend the money.

So I stuck foot in mouth a bit yesterday. Being in a strange state of focus lately, I rather read an awful lot into some comments at Greg Laden's blog. What annoys me about this is not the embarrassment of having to admit to my mistake and apologize. Being rather egotistical, I appreciate having the opportunity to be humbled. I am annoyed, because I just don't do this - reading in things that are not actually there. I get really irritated when people do it to me, being one who tends to mean very specifically what I actually say.

I much prefer to have to admit I was wrong about something, because someone else convinces me that my reasoning was flawed or my evidence is wrong. I really hate admitting I was wrong, because I jumped to conclusions by inference. The fact that most of the time the conclusions are correct, does not make it any less obnoxious or sloppy.

Having been somewhat focused on this line of thinking, I realized that I have been guilty of this a lot lately. While this is the first time it's really come to bite me, I am doing a lot of reflecting on how I have developed this habit. Stress is at least a part of it, but I tend to think that there is something more going on that I need to delve into. This is not the only "not DuWayne" issue that has arisen in the last few months.

The problem with this is there are so many factors involved, that it's really hard to differentiate and sort through it all. And it is really important that I sort through a lot of it, because I am finally trying to really deal with the negative aspects of my neurological make-up. It is critically important to me that I maintain the best balance possible between functionality and retaining who I am. But at the same time it has become increasingly apparent that my neurochemistry needs more help than Ritalin and the occasional Xanax are providing now.

Going much beyond the minimal constrictions of my current regimen really scares me. It hurts like hell to be me, quite a lot of the time. It's hard sometimes to sort through the constant barrage of ideas, words and music that inundate my mind. It's frustrating to get sent on tangents that distract from what I am trying to accomplish at a given moment. But it's me. It's who I am, what I am. I don't know how to be not me.

But I also don't know how to be me and succeed in the ways that I must.

Listen to Your Doctor.....

I finally got through the hell of trying to get into a doctor and went to the one I grew up with yesterday. I am now on regular old methylphenidate (Ritalin), which will allow me to exert a great deal of control over my dosing. So on days when I need to go to class, I can take two 10MG in the morning, one at lunch and generally call it good. On days when I need more time to study, I can take two in the morning, one at lunch and one mid-late afternoon, while on weekends I can minimize, unless I am studying.

Though I have to admit that I really would love to try Vyvanse. Unfortunately, at ten dollars a dose, it's just not feasible, as it's a total out of pocket cost. Basically, Vyvanse is a prodrug equivalent for Adderall. It is theoretically superior to Adderall and Ritalin, because instead of being an extended release because the pill is made a particular way, it's release is extended through metabolizing. This apparently reduces many of the side effects found especially in Ritalin, but which are also occasionally found in Adderall.

We also discussed the possibility of a close generic equivalent to Adderall, dextroamphetimine which is the actual generic for Dexedrine. The thought was that this might decrease or eliminate the headaches I often get when I take methylphenidate. The problem with that being that the script is twenty some dollars to fill, as apposed to six for methylphenidate. Unfortunately, cost is a significant factor, so for the time being, I am taking methylphenidate.

I was also prescribed Alprazolam, which is the generic for Xanax. I am not going to take it often, as I really only need it for certain, specific cycles. I am starting out with the ability to get a refill before I see the doctor next, because he felt that it might help me getting used to the methylphenidate. Mostly I am keen on having it to help me nip off the cycles that got me diagnosed with bipolar. Though it was nice to see my old family doctor again, as he agreed with my assessment that it is more likely that the symptoms are a result of a lifetime with far less sleep than most people should get. The other reason I was interested in Alprazolam, is to help me through therapy. Last Friday's session was really intense and left me pretty shell-shocked.

So now we get to listening to the doctor.....

I have a really tough time remembering to take my meds, when I am on meds. Even worse, is if I have to take more than one, at different times. It is much easier if I can just take them all at once. So my doc explained that I should probably not take the Alprazolam, until I am getting towards lunch time, or unless I really felt the need for it before then. But he wanted me to take my first dose of methylphenidate without it, figuring that if I really was going to have trouble, it would be with the second dose of the day. He also warned me that I probably would do better to offset the mythylphenidate and the Alprazolam by at least forty minutes to an hour. I asked him if taking them at the same time was dangerous, which he said it really isn't, it just causes a lot of people to get a little buzzed.

So what do I do? Screw that, I say to myself. I'm going to forget the Ritalin if I don't take them together. Then came my remedial algebra (yes, I am math inept - failed pre-algebra in high school, twice). I had no trouble focusing on class. I was able to pick up the concepts we were learning today. I could not however, ask either of the questions I had, to save my life. I was actually afraid if I tried to talk that gibberish would come out. Thank the gods for email and a instructor who is happy to answer them.

Amusingly, when I was out having a smoke after class, I mentioned it to the smoking clan. One of them explained that he had experienced the exact same thing. He said that the offset in taking them really makes a difference. Of course he also mentioned his fondness for taking them together on weekends. I have to admit, that while not at all conducive to full functionality in class, it did feel pretty good. Thankfully, I have years of memories of getting high and don't feel the least urge to abuse the drugs that are here to help me function. I did seem to have an easier time in humanities, which follows the math.

No problems contributing to the discussion - though that may be because we were talking about the Roman Empire, a topic that really gets me excited. Though I should admit that I did have to leave class early, but that was because we were watching a documentary I've seen twice and really hated. There's a twit who makes the assertion that the Romans built Hadrien's wall and never went north, because they felt it was a wasteland. That was just their excuse. The reality is that the naked blue warriors had the invulnerable Roman Legions pissing themselves in terror. So by building Hadrien's wall, the Romans saved face and the Picts were left alone again. Watching the video might have worked anyways, but the sound was kind of warped in my head and was making me very uncomfortable.