Dissappearance, or an attempt therein and World Security

I am hitting on the final stretch of the summer semester and have a fuckton of writing left to finish. Nominally, the book response paper is due a week from yesterday, the term paper being due on the sixth of August. Except life is more complicated than that and I am heading down next weekend to get the boys for a week.

So I really need to try to get this fucking term paper done by next weekend, clean my space and install a fold down monitor in my van (I already installed my DVD, USB, SD - MP3, MP4, MPEG playing dashmount stereo). At least I have made the book response paper easier, as I will be addressing (relatively) unique points in each essay - following it up with a 16-20 page response to three specific points that are of extreme underlying importance through the book.

First, I will be dealing with a dominant (in scholarly analysis) post-Cold War paradigm. Namely that the Cold War was a major engine for stability and that the post Cold War world has become inherently unstable. Even when one accepts that these essays were published in 1998, when there was some serious instability in some former Soviet states, they are both overstating the case for the stability of the Cold War era and overstating the case for significantly more instability after the Cold War. This is problematic, because you see a lot of the reasoning the stems from this paradigm in foreign policy decisions today.

Second, while credit is definitely given, there is serious understatement to the impact of technological breakthroughs on global politics and the weakening of nation states. I will argue that not only is communications technology a critical factor, but the medium itself is an engine for instability. Ie. technological development has far outstripped our ability to functionally integrate it and understand the implications - thus creating inherent instability. If I can, I will also address transnational tribalism.

Finally, I am going to address something that seems conspicuous in it's absence: The reaction of major powers to the weakening of nation states, as a threat to world security. While again, I can appreciate that this book of essays was published in 1998, at least some of what has happened was predictable in general terms. While the exact circumstances might have been unclear, it should be no shock that we invaded Afghanistan and Iraq. If it hadn't been that, it would have been something else - possibly something even more dangerous and destabilizing. While the end of Soviet communism and nuclear deescalation treaties created some thawing, by no means did they spell cordial relations between Russia and the U.S.

What is important to recognize, is that contrary to popular theories, put forth by esteemed scholars (in this case, Dr. James Rosenau), the end of the Cold War wasn't the cause of any significant instability. The roots of the weakening nation state, global terrorism and environmental concerns (the major problems with global security at this point) are deeply seeded in globalization and the rapid developments in communications technology. These have only tangential relations to the Cold War. Technological development was somewhat driven by the Cold War and globalization was in some cases happening in spite of the Cold War, while in other sectors it was completely driven by the Cold War.

When I get that finished, I will focus on the fucking animal rights terrorists and their intellectual cheerleaders, as well as their "spiritual" leadership. The topic of my term paper is the relation of postmodern extremist movements, to religious extremist movements and global terrorism.

In any case, I have a fuckton of work to do, over the next ten days. If you happen to see me where I shouldn't be - like commenting on blogs - feel free to chastise me.

I am not fond of asking for help - but I am not afraid to...Or to give something back for it.

Thanks to a very lovely commenter and dear friend, things are looking much better. If you really would like to help out, please call your local "sliding scale" clinic and ask about donating the funds for helping someone in your community get the prescriptions they need. Because I am far from alone with this problem and I can almost guarantee someone in your community could use the help...

We have run into a rather bad snag in my corner of the world. Overall things are rather sunshine and roses - at least as sunshine and rosy as they can be. But a somewhat nasty - scratch that - a very nasty problem has arisen. There is a need for medication, coupled with a very frightening lack of resources for meds for this month as possibly next. I think that next month is looking more promising and after that it is totally smooth sailing. But this month is most definitely fucked.

I really fucking hate asking for help, but I also dread the idea of school and honestly, life in general, moving backwards instead of forwards. I also want to be very clear that I absolutely do not want to impose on anyone who is in dire straights themselves. I am just hoping that some of you might have something to spare and would be willing to help out. It needn't be much, because I have come to gain a great many friends here on the intertubes and the need isn't that huge - though in relative terms, the cost of a months worth of wellbutrin - even the fucking generic, is rather high (for example, the combined cost of everything I take - sans my wellbutrin, is 1/5th the cost of my monthly scripts).

I also thought it would be fun to turn this into a something of a challenge - I will donate an hour of time, for every ten dollar increment towards the meds. I will grant that I was already intending to do some community volunteering, but I have simply been unable to form a solid plan for that. So if I actually get to my goal, I will commit to *52 hours over the next year, of **maintenance and repair to my local YWCA - who I understand can particularly use the help...

I am trying to figure out the whole fucking paypal thing and will probably leave the damned thing up, once I figure out how to actually get into my existing paypal account and how to post an icon. Until then, please email me if you can and want to help. And as an added bonus, I will be happy to hear what you might want me to write about and try to comply with requests as quickly as possible - which isn't to say it would necessarily happen quickly. I have a semester to finish up and boys coming hard on it's heels and......You get the picture...I am hopeful however, that the next semester will not be quite so brutal. It's a little heavier load, but in a regular, sixteen week semester, rather than this really short one I'm in now...

*above and beyond any other volunteering I am planning for - which admittedly is uncertain right now...

**Or whatever else they need done - as I understand that they also need donation pick-up help as well...

Wherein DuWayne Rants About the #$@&ing Drug Laws

Before I start, I would really like to recommend that you take a listen to Gabriela Montero. I recently discovered her whilst listening to one of my Pandora stations and her playing made me weep for the beauty and the passion with which she throws herself into her variations and compositions. Gabriela is a wholly remarkable pianist, a child prodigy who has matured into brilliant and nuanced composer. And she is also great stress relief...

I have had a not so grand day today. It started well enough, though not as productively as I might have wished. And I had a fantastic visit with the doctor, where we discussed my meds and how the new regimen has been working out. We decided to double my dose of Wellbutrin, from 100mg in the morning to 100mg in the morning and another at lunch (something I was going to do a couple weeks ago, but chose to wait because he wanted to see me to add the extra dose). I was actually feeling pretty damned good when I left the doctor's office - almost three and I had only smoked two cigarettes all day.

How quickly things can change. Today I discovered just how fragile a thing, this thing that is my calm and collect self.

More...

The fucking war on drugs put me on the verge of a nervous fucking breakdown today. Though I was heading that way when I went to get my scripts filled in the first place.

My fucking Wellbutrin costs eighty-six fucking dollars as a fucking generic. Eighty-six dollars!!! And the version I am taking is not available much cheaper anywhere - including mail order. I very nearly started crying in the fucking store when they told me that. I'm working on getting help with my scripts through the state, but the wheels turn slowly. My folks are helping out some, but that just stresses me out more, because I don't want to be a fucking burden on them at thirty-two years old. I was frustrated and angry and decided to hold off on that one to see if I could find to cheaper elsewhere, or if there might be another option for finding Bupropion for less, but in the same dose as I've been taking.

No such luck, this time around.

So I decide to get it filled and owe my parents even more. Fucking yeah for me!!! I headed back to Wal-Mart and handed the women at the window the script, having completely forgotten that I had been told earlier (when I dropped off the others) that they were out of that one anyways. The women at the window punched it all into the computer and told me it would be about twenty minutes, so I sat down to wait. After about half an hour, the women who had originally taken my scripts came out to remind me that they were out of that particular dosage of Wellbutrin. Mind you, the women who had taken the script had seen me sitting there several times, while helping other fucking customers - never once occurred to her to let me know that I couldn't get my fucking drug. Nor did they consider just fucking calling me to tell me - if they hadn't noticed (they are usually really good about calling for stuff like that and they weren't very busy).

What the fuck does this have to do with the war in drugs, you ask?

I had a check with me, written for the total cost of all three of my scripts. And even though another Wal-Mart has the Welbutrin, I couldn't pay for it at the one I was in. So I had to transfer the other two to the other fucking pharmacy as well. The only problem being that Clonidine and Ritalin are controlled fucking substances and they can't be called in. They can't be faxed over and apparently, they can't even get them ready in anticipation of the fucking paper script being brought in. Nor can they be refilled - every month, my doctor has to write another script for me.

Of course I had wasted nearly half an hour sitting in fucking Wal-Mart before I became aware that I would have to go to another store - about half an hour across town. And not only would I have to run over there to get them, I would have to fucking wait there while they filled my other two scripts - because we have the most ridiculous fucking drug laws ever. Mind you, it was close to dinner time and a friend of mine was joining us. I was about fifteen minutes late when it was all over with. (Though I did get a text from the most beautiful and brilliant women in the world, who just seems to know when a text from her is going to take the edge off of stressful situations - thanks Juniper)

My problems today and with getting more than thirty days worth of my meds at a time, are far from the only egregious intrusion that our draconian drug laws have thrust into medicine. Because of course, there is also the war on pain management to be considered. You know, the war in which not only patients who doctor shop and fraudulently acquire multiple scripts for the same pain killers (often times to sell them) got to jail, but even doctors who appear to be over prescribing and patients who are engaged in a good faith pain management regimen with their (only) prescribing doctor.

I am so fucking tired of this paternalistic fucking bullshit! This has gotten beyond fucking ridiculous - went beyond that point fucking years ago. The war on drugs interferes with the ability of doctors to care for patients, therapists to freely help drug addicts and substance abusers and patients to have reasonably simple and rather less costly access to their medications.

Fuck You drug warriors - Every MotherFucking One of You!!!

The new baby arrived safely

It has been a hectic week. David arrived safely, everyone is home. Another post should come soon, possibly even tonight.

It has come upon us...

We will be having the baby, sometime after one tomorrow.

Baby is coming SOON!?!?

We have a register at Target, if anyone's interested (cause I'm so on top of the postings here). . .Due December first, as of the last appointment. The last known date, was December fifth. I am opting for no more appointments with the doctor, or we'll be knee deep in poo, even sooner. Momma doesn't agree. (The original date was given as the end of December.)

Diapers, lots and lots of diapers. Yes, I know they are eternal, if we could afford the biodegradable or a service, we'd be all over it. Alas we cannot, really not sure about the cheap ones. However, momma did find an article in a baby mag, about toilet training at as young as six months. Miracles do happen. I should add that if anyone wishes to contribute to our registry, momma said that registry gift cards are the way to go, as we can pick it up from the store, rather than throwing shipping costs into the equation. Not sure when the actual shower will be, but for our long distance friends, any day can be baby shower day.

Not on the list; Valium, Librium, maybe Thorazine, I'm not too picky. . .(not for baby, for me, I wouldn't do that to an infant. The five year old . . .nyah)

My Lovely Neighborhood

I just love my neighborhood. January, before I moved here. A couple of weeks ago, less than half a block away. Monday night, a little less than a block from home. To say that I am tired of living in this bloody pit, is putting it mildly. The police in both East Portland and Gresham (two blocks away), say they are going to increase their presence in the area, but I don't see how much they really can. You can't go a block without seeing a cop. Gresham and Portland cops crossover regularly, in a ten block buffer zone. Lately, Gresham cops have even been responding to complaints in my neighborhood (including my building), if they happen to be closest. Apparently, they are going to put cops on bike and foot patrols around the neighborhood.

I echo the sentiments of some of my neighbors though, if they can actually do more, why the hell have they waited this long? I have spent a lot of time talking to the cops in my neighborhood. We have community policing and I know many of the cops that patrol here, including the watch commanders, all shifts. In the short term, I imagine this means that we'll have an influx from the surrounding precincts. In the long term, who the hell knows? I know that I am bloody well tired of this crap hole and I am ready to move. This, by the way, is one reason I am bloody well good and pissed about this. We can throw away money and manpower, enforcing a ridiculous, pointless and ineffective ordinance like that, while we have to scramble to fight serious crime.

Not a Good Day

Clarification;
I was a bit hasty in posting this earlier. I should clarify that my partner and I, are expecting our second child in December. One of the tests done Monday, was to asses the risk that our child will have down syndrome.

I just got a call from my partners doctors office, while Cay and I were at the park. The results of one of the tests they ran Monday, show an elevated risk for down syndrome. To put it mildly, I am not handling this well so far. For those who are into that sort of thing, please keep us in your prayers. We will be going in for an appointment either tomorrow or Monday to find out more and schedule further testing.

I am almost finished with the post about my life with ADHD. I am going to get that up and any other stories that come in about the experiences of others with neurological disorders. I am really hoping that I can get some more guest posts, as I am taking some time off to decompress. I want to keep this forum going and growing. I also really want to get a variety of discussions going on here, so please, even if you don't really agree with me on a lot of things, feel free to email me with ideas for posts you would like to write. Especially right now.

Good news Bad news

Updates on the bottom. . .

I am moving this post down a bit to give the denialism posts the top again

The good news is, that we got a call from the doctor and the preliminary results from the amniotic test came back looking very good. It is highly unlikely that our baby will have down syndrome.

The bad news is, that due to funds not coming through yet, we are facing homelessness if we do not come up with $750 by midnight Saturday. Still could use some prayers, from those who do that.

Update -
I'm about half way there. Still panicking, but at the same time sure it will work out.

This is about the worse thing about parenting. Especially when one lives on the edge. The fear of not being able to provide the basic necessities is absolutely horrifying.

Update 2 -

WE GOT IT ALL!!! Not only did we get it, but I am not in debt for much in the way of cash. Some of it I will have to work off. Some of it was given to me by someone that I did some work for, for free, because they really needed it done but couldn't pay for it at the time. They could afford to help at the moment and were willing to do so. I also managed to sell a roofing nailer. I can't use it any more, since my balance went due to an inner ear injury. I am unable to climb ladders, much less roof. I sold it to the person that sold it to me, for what I paid for it.

We are not entirely out of hot water, but we will not be homeless. I still have to come up with $210 in late fees, from this months and last, but our landlord can't evict us for those and has agreed not to report it to the credit agencies for another sixty days. We also have to pay our electric soon to avoid shutoff, but I should have that without too much difficulty. Things are moving forward with my new career as a songwriter and I am also expecting resolution to my workman's comp claim for the injury to my ear, before too long. That will be covering the cost of getting me back into school and help defray our expenses. I have a little longer to go before everything comes together, but I am feeling much more confident that it will.