Sunday, March 15, 2009

Seroquel: Day 2 Night 3 on my new meds

Sorry, there is some cursing going on here and I am not really feeling up to mucking about with the HTML to put it under the fold.

So on Friday, I went not only to my normal Friday therapy appointment, I also went to my doctor. I can not begin to explain how wonderful it is to be seeing the doctor I grew up with (or a doctor at all for that matter). I am not able to see him for general health concerns, because the visits are out of pocket. But to be able to deal with him for my psych meds is just so much easier, than dealing with the sliding scale clinic would be. Dr. T has known me since I was a relatively small child and knows a lot of my proclivities. He is also aware of my substance abuse issues and takes that into consideration.

Above all, it is really great to be dealing with a doctor who exemplifies everything great about family GPs. And who is also a licensed clinical psychotherapist and psychiatrist.

We spent about half an hour discussing my concerns and fears about going on a mood stabilizer. He was very clear that whatever we end up with, I am going to have to accept that some of what I am afraid of losing, is going to be lost. Ultimately, some of what I am afraid of losing is part of what is holding me back. I understand this, but it is not easy to accept - but then there are those beautiful little boys in the last post and it's a little easier to accept. So I am now taking Seroquel.

That said, I almost didn't take my new meds again last night. I don't like this, feeling like this and not feeling like I usually do. I am fucking angry and frustrated and really don't like it. Yesterday was fucking awful. Four or five times I just broke down and cried. I couldn't think straight to save my life. Today was a little better and tomorrow should be even better - we'll see. But I am also supposed to increase my dosage here soon, not as quickly as a lot of people do, but still. I really don't want to have another day like yesterday.

I am coming to understand it, but it boggles my mind that I got through thirty-two fucking years without really accepting or understanding what the hell is happening in my head. I chalked it up to the ADHD and honestly never really bought into the bipolar diagnosis. I mean I accepted that I may well be bipolar, but I never really grasped the actual impact it has had on me. I brought this up to Dr. T, because while there has been a several year hole, he's known me for almost twenty-five years.

He suggested the very thing that I brought up in my first of a series on Thursday, I have been dealing with this since I was born. I have had my entire life to learn ways to compensate. I didn't have a sudden onset as a teen or tweener, I got a leg up on them by working through my childhood on being less atypical. And I had the ADHD to blame for what I couldn't manage.

Fuck! I just took my pill for the evening ten minutes or so ago. And I am just fucking drifting now. I can focus, but I am not able to focus - it's really hard to explain. The bitter irony, there was a time when I would have been thrilled to have this shit. It's a fucking high to be sure. But I don't control it. I would love nothing more than to flush this crap down the fucking toilet and get a bag of weed. It may not be as effective, but at least I have control of my high. And the first half hour to an hour with weed doesn't make me keep getting weepy. Though I have to admit that that too is not as bad tonight, as it was the first night, or even last night, which wasn't as bad as the first.

I am going to give it the week at least, probably more. Even if it doesn't work out, we need to know exactly what kind of problems I am having with it, so we can move on to the next with a higher likelihood of success. And the few nights I've taken it are just not a reasonable assessment period. But this really fucking sucks.

I am, by the way, going to continue writing that series I started on Thursday. But it is going to be in my own time. It's not all that easy for me, though it is extremely valuable to me. And I would also really like to write about the issue of these "conscientious" objecting pharmacists, who don't want to fill scripts for meds that they think are wrong, but honestly, it just makes me so fucking angry that I have a hard time writing about it rationally. I already blew up big time at Abel's TerraSig and started to really lose it at Pal's White Coat Underground. Sorry guys. But I would really appreciate it if you would take a look at their posts and after, take a look at this clearinghouse for proposed and passed state legislation about conscience clauses for pharmacists and other health care pros. I would like to say that I will get around to posting about it, but it's highly unlikely - I have way too much on my plate. Two midterms on Tuesday and homework I haven't touched since Friday, because of these fucking meds. Not to mention home repair projects for a couple of very supportive friends, that are piling up.


Juniper Shoemaker said...

At least you could stomach that nonsense on PalMD's thread. I read it earlier today. I got too angry to touch it.

In college, I spent a great deal of time with "mystics" and other assorted New Age buffoons who insisted that "mental disorders" didn't exist and encouraged people to forgo clinical therapy and pharmaceutical treatment. Instead, these people (and me with them) encouraged others and/or themselves to deal with their unipolar depression, bipolar disorder, ADHD, possible autism and even schizophrenia with lots and lots of woo. Vitamins, no-wheat diets and meditation-- of course, with street drugs taken at liberty and without any grip on biochem whatsofuckingever.

Before I created my blog, I considered writing about the peril of pseudoscience in terms of mental illness and how New Age disciples incapacitate themselves with irrational attitudes towards drugs. That was, like, the major theme of my college social experience. I'm glad I went through it. But I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I don't yet know if I will blog on it. Suffice it to say that I strongly agree with you and Pal and Leigh and everyone with some fucking sense on this issue. People should go off on reprobate pharmacists who think their "conscience" gives them some sort of absolute power in the dispensation of any prescriptions they arbitrarily disapprove of! Because it's fucking ridiculous.

I'm very sorry that you're having a rough time. I wish I could help.

leigh said...

i was such a drifter when i was on certain antidepressants. i can identify, it totally blows. i hope it clears up for you soon.

i was equally pissed off by that shit with the denial of pain meds. my solution was basically to get the hell out before i got evil. i focused my energy on some very long-winded informational shit instead, because i like facts and hate stupid people.

sandy shoes said...

Hang in there...

scicurious said...

Ugh, that thread is way to bad for my tension levels right now. I really hope none of those asshats were pharmacists.

Hang in there DuWayne, some of the side effects WILL get better with time, especially the crying and some of the drifty feeling. You can do it.

Stephanie Zvan said...

Yeah, what they said about hanging in there. Know, too, that while you may feel like you can't think, you are still being sharp and coherent. You're just not getting that little hum of the rest of your body focusing on the same thing your brain is. It takes some time to get used to the fact that those aren't the same thing.

Comrade PhysioProf said...

Hang in there, bro.

Anonymous said...

I googled "Seroquel fucks me up" and this was one of the first results. I'm on day FIVE of taking 200mg of Seroquel for bipolar disorder. I can't function. I can barely walk. I sure as hell can't take care of my child by myself. All I want to do is sleep, and wake up occassionally to yell at everyone and maybe punch the wall. I hate how it makes me feel--I honestly like my unmedicated self much more.

DuWayne Brayton said...

Hey Anon -

I'm really sorry to hear that, but I'm not surprised. I was started on 25 and then 50 and it made me fucking miserable. I would strongly recommend that you talk to your doctor ASAP and see about lowering the dose by half and then half again.

I am now taking 200mg of Wellbutrin SR(100 twice daily) as well as .2mg of clonidine at night. I can't promise that these would be better for you, but they were the next one I tried and seem to be working pretty well.

The other drug we had talked about was Abilify, which is in the same class, but not as heavy as Seroquel.

I also take Ritalin with the occasional Xanax, the Xanax being a rare one (though I expect I may take them a little more frequently when I am totally off the cigarettes). But those are just for the ADHD. They do however, influence the dose of the bipolar meds I take.

I am really sorry that you're going through this. I honestly can't imagine how rough it is on a dose like that. I really hope that things can work out better with something else.

But please, don't just quit taking them without weaning down and off. That can be really dangerous. And please consider trying something that's not as strong - I would assume that you went on meds for a good reason and just because Seroquel is the wrong one, doesn't meant there isn't a right one for you.

maire said...

Meds, wonderful meds...better living through chemistry... I am sorry that you (DuWayne) are having
such a difficult time with the Seroquel..I hope it's gotten better by now. I am on 800mg @ night and it pretty much keeps me out of more acute mania. It helps me sleep but doesn't make me feel like I am totally out of it. I am one of the lucky ones.