Sometimes being me is a pain in the ass. I have a lot to do right now - a lot lot. And I am getting a lot of it done.
But par usual, I am focusing way too much energy on the things that are of relatively lower importance. I know that I am going to get a basic four point. My remedial algebra class, ironically, would screw me, but it doesn't count as a non-transfer, non-degree supporting class. But I am obsessing over my last paper - even though I will get a high enough score to get full points. I am obsessing over another paper for my humanities class, even though it really isn't that important either. And I'm obsessing over my next English paper, even though I really don't need to.
I am moving forward on my side project that will, ultimately, be far more important to my educational and career goals, but I am not focusing nearly as much as I should be on it. In part, I suspect it is because of this fear of success bullshit that has been plaguing me for years. I have this stupid damned habit of sabotage through attrition.
I was a very decent actor, lyricist and pretty boy, when I was living in St. Louis. I was regularly interviewed on public radio. I had a chance to get in with an agent, who would have started me in adverts and moved me up from there. But when it came time for my major interview - I showed up fifteen minutes late, mildly drunk and coked up. While being in that state worked reasonably well for performances and public radio, it didn't so much for the execs from a major marketing agency. They were suitably impressed with my body and my ability to spout off, but my inability to sit down and the speed with which I spoke was not so impressive.
I am a very good songwriter. I actually made some money at one point, writing Christian worship music. Then it came out that I'm not actually a Christian and the publishing house actually talked about suing me - many of the churches that were using my music quit using it at all. I was also working on getting in with a marketing firm (pays really damned well), but managed to screw that around, because I was too focused on where I was already making some money, little as it was.
I really need better flexibility so I can kick my own ass!!!