Friday, March 6, 2009

More thoughts - post Wizard

Just to be clear, I am not even considering quitting school. I am going to far way too fast to quit and the reasons I am tempted are much better served by me getting my education. I will see about blogging about the problems in the near future, probably would do me some good.

So I managed to get a good kick in the ass. And to give you an idea of the quality therapist I have, it came from where she thought it should, not where I did. Total bloody blindsided me - while still getting me where I needed to go for today.

For one thing, she made it very clear that a big part of the problem, is probably far more chemical in nature, than I have ever really considered. We discussed quite a bit about the cognitive aspects and she just smacked me hard - "You have the cognitive down, you need to think chemical." This was not put very politely....

And I realized this is true. I do have a firm handle on the cognitive issues (these specific ones, not all of them). But I have never really considered the possibility that my neurological proclivities could have an affect on what I have always viewed as a cognitive problem. But the Wiz is quite patient with me and suggested that when I go back to the Doc next Friday, that I discuss the possibility of looking in a different direction medication wise. Doc is also a psychotherapist with some previous experience in my head, so I think it could work out reasonably well.

I am also very glad to have taken the xanax today, because she really was firm about some aspects of what is the very worse experience of my life, which I am going through right now. Not things I wanted to hear by a stretch, but things that I really needed to hear. And because of the interconnectedness of all things DuWayne, it will probably impact some of my academic decision-making for the time being. Which could be good, because while I am not exactly straying from the path I am developing, it may be cause for adjustments that will make the experience less stressful, though no less wrought with seriously hard work.

The direction I am heading now, sans adjustments, is going to put me in a solid place career and educationwise, but would also put me in line for some serious discontentment among my future colleagues. And the more I pay attention to the politicing bullshit that most great grad programs are rife with, the more I actually get a bit concerned about it. I am not concerned about gossip per say, but I am concerned about outright attempts to sabotage.

Of course nothing is in stone at this point and it may become moot. The issues that are pushing me to push myself, may iron out to something more reasonable. But regardless, I am trying to accept that what will be will be - that there are a lot of factors that are just entirely beyond my control.

And I apologize for being so damned cryptic, but I really don't feel much like delving into the heart of the worse of my life right now. A few of you know what it is and for the moment, that will have to suffice. Just realize that it is really hard for me not to do a lot of really stupid things right now, including, but not limited to dropping out of school....


Comrade PhysioProf said...

I have no idea what's going on, but don't drop out of school if you have a chance of successfully completing your degree.

DuWayne Brayton said...

Oh, I have more than a chance. If I work my ass off, I am well on my way to fucking rockstar status, thanks in large part to a couple of practicing psychotherapists who really like the way an idea I have is shaping up. The dropping out is not an option - not going to happen. I may blog about why I would even consider it, the only reason I haven't has been lingering legal issues that might have been affected - which have effectively become moot.

But for the moment, I just don't want to delve into it....

leigh said...

you're more prepared than i was if you're thinking about the politicking bullshit this early. what kind of grad program are you headed toward in the eventual future?

good on ya for keeping on track despite the life bullshit. i know life distractions are serious detractors from education.

DuWayne Brayton said...

what kind of grad program are you headed toward in the eventual future?

It's kind of complicated. I'm going into addiction neuropsychology, with a concurrent degree in linguistics.

The reason I am concerned about it already, is because I am developing a research project that I will be presenting to the APA conference either this year or next - which will be dependent on some external factors and my ability to move far enough forward to do so.

But whether it happens this year or next, it is likely to bring me a fair amount of attention. And given the baseline support I have already, I am well on my way to making a name anyways. The more I read about the politicking of grad and postgrad life from bloggers experiencing it now, or who have experienced it, the more I want to make sure I'm ready to deal with it. Because I am very likely to foment a lot of jealousy.

Anonymous said...

ok, that's good reasoning to be prepared in advance. i'm sure you've seen it everywhere, the top programs are full of people trying to elevate themselves by cutting others down. tragic but unavoidable.

you're definitely following your interests, which really ends up being what pulls you through the worst of the education experience. :)