Just to be clear, I am not even considering quitting school. I am going to far way too fast to quit and the reasons I am tempted are much better served by me getting my education. I will see about blogging about the problems in the near future, probably would do me some good.
So I managed to get a good kick in the ass. And to give you an idea of the quality therapist I have, it came from where she thought it should, not where I did. Total bloody blindsided me - while still getting me where I needed to go for today.
For one thing, she made it very clear that a big part of the problem, is probably far more chemical in nature, than I have ever really considered. We discussed quite a bit about the cognitive aspects and she just smacked me hard - "You have the cognitive down, you need to think chemical." This was not put very politely....
And I realized this is true. I do have a firm handle on the cognitive issues (these specific ones, not all of them). But I have never really considered the possibility that my neurological proclivities could have an affect on what I have always viewed as a cognitive problem. But the Wiz is quite patient with me and suggested that when I go back to the Doc next Friday, that I discuss the possibility of looking in a different direction medication wise. Doc is also a psychotherapist with some previous experience in my head, so I think it could work out reasonably well.
I am also very glad to have taken the xanax today, because she really was firm about some aspects of what is the very worse experience of my life, which I am going through right now. Not things I wanted to hear by a stretch, but things that I really needed to hear. And because of the interconnectedness of all things DuWayne, it will probably impact some of my academic decision-making for the time being. Which could be good, because while I am not exactly straying from the path I am developing, it may be cause for adjustments that will make the experience less stressful, though no less wrought with seriously hard work.
The direction I am heading now, sans adjustments, is going to put me in a solid place career and educationwise, but would also put me in line for some serious discontentment among my future colleagues. And the more I pay attention to the politicing bullshit that most great grad programs are rife with, the more I actually get a bit concerned about it. I am not concerned about gossip per say, but I am concerned about outright attempts to sabotage.
Of course nothing is in stone at this point and it may become moot. The issues that are pushing me to push myself, may iron out to something more reasonable. But regardless, I am trying to accept that what will be will be - that there are a lot of factors that are just entirely beyond my control.
And I apologize for being so damned cryptic, but I really don't feel much like delving into the heart of the worse of my life right now. A few of you know what it is and for the moment, that will have to suffice. Just realize that it is really hard for me not to do a lot of really stupid things right now, including, but not limited to dropping out of school....