It was around about a year ago now, that I was having an extremely shitty weekend and received a text message of support from a very sexy nerd princess that made me realize that I was in love with said nerd princess. Like all relationships, it has had it's ups and downs since. Sometimes very frustrating downs and sometimes it feels like there aren't enough ups for either or both of us. Sometimes it is just plain fucking ridiculous, maintaining a relationship with a person on the other side of the fucking country. Except for one thing.
I love her quite desperately and she loves me the same.
And the downs are so much easier to manage, when we do the most important thing that one can do in a relationship. We communicate. It isn't always perfect. We both suffer from occasional bouts of insecurity. We both suffer from occasional bouts of frustration and even outright anger at the other. Sometimes we even fail to address these bouts with the immediacy that they should warrant. But we do address them. And while it isn't always as satisfactory as we might wish it to be, it is always honest.
It is this honesty that I think has managed to sustain us through a year in love and only five days of that in each others company. It is this honesty that has made a relationship that stretches about two thousand miles across the U.S., the most incredible relationship I have ever been in. As much as I all too often ache for my lover's arms around me, I am contented by the fact that even from so far away, she is the reason that I am not truly alone.
I am not very good at always being clear about the passion I have for her. While I am free with my admissions of love for her, I am not nearly free enough with the depth and passion of that love. Simple "I love you"s aren't enough and I should be more aware of that - but awareness is rather hard when one is juggling school, kids five hundred miles away and a lover close to two thousand miles away - and at least a pretense of social/leisure time.
But that is no excuse for neglecting something so important.
Darling Juniper, I am not perfect and don't expect to move into our second year in love expressing myself, my feelings as adequately as I should. But I can and will do better. What we have is exceedingly difficult sometimes, but it is so far superior to anything I have experienced in the past, that I can honestly say that I never imagined I could feel this way about another person. That was how I felt a year ago and that has only deepened over the last year.
I am not sure how this will work out. I am rather locked into a future that leaves very little room for me to accommodate for your career needs. I am extremely grateful for your willingness to even try to accommodate for my needs. I am extremely grateful for your willingness to accept years of separation that will allow for minimal time together. It is hard to be so far from you and I know it is hard for you too. But I think our love is worth the difficulties and I am extremely grateful to you for feeling the same.
It would be magical thinking to claim absolutely that we will make it and actually live in the same location in five years or so. But it is hard not to believe, given what we have, that we will make this work. I have spent the last year in something akin to the worst hell I could imagine, not being with my children every day or nearly so. It has been harder still, adjusting to being a student and scholar. It has been so much easier to take, knowing you are there - that you love me so - that you are on my side.
My deepest gratitude to you though, is for your willingness to put up with me - who I was - who I am and who I am trying to me. I love you ever so much and ever so deeply. Knowing that you are there - that you love me, is a wonder without measure.
Thank you ever so much Darling.