Sunday, August 23, 2009

As I lie here, without her next to me

I am here in the hotel by the airport, where only 90 minutes ago my lover and co-conspirator was lying next to me - by myself. I have tears in my eyes, because while having Juniper in my life means I am not alone, it will be a couple months at best before I can hold her again, kiss her again and sit quietly with her, just enjoying her presence. I held her one last time this trip, just fifteen minutes ago and already I miss her terribly - even though we have been together virtually non-stop since Monday.

It is easy to take for granted, the things that lovers do. It is easy to get up and walk away for a while, knowing when you get back your lover will be waiting. It is easy to get angry and wish they would walk away just a little more often. It is easy to take for granted, simply sitting together enjoying the quiet, when the quiet times are often. It is easy to take for granted, lying together, your lover in your arms - when every night they are there, body pressed against yours.

I am sorry, those friends we didn't see while she was here. But I was jealous and guarded about my time with her - the more of it that passed, the more I wanted her all to myself. It's not that I don't love you, didn't want to introduce you. It's just that I needed that time - the time together in person - to plot, to plan our takeover of the world. Not all of it, not by a long shot - just our tiny little corner of it.

I miss my co-conspirator, I miss her so desperately it hurts...I can't imagine how I'll feel a little later, when it has really sunk in that I won't feel her lips pressed against mine for months now. And on and off, this will be our life for a while. Which I can accept, because in the end, it is our life and life is a long time. I can accept this, because my lover and our conspiracy is so very worth this ache that never seems to go away - except when her arms wrap around me. I can accept this, because even though she is usually more than twenty-five hundred miles away, she is the reason I am not alone.

I love you as desperately as ever darling, quite as much because of, as in spite of your flaws. Thank you so much for loving me the same in turn.


Dan J said...

Yep; you're hooked. :) Congratulations, and welcome to the club.

[captcha: "teryetyp", anagram for "tyre type" or "petty rye"?]

CyberLizard said...

I finally realized I loved my best friend just as she was getting ready to go away to college. We spent almost a whole term apart. Very not pleasant. You're right on the money with your description of being with your love after a separation.

I hope that it all comes together for y'all. It's worth it.

ps My captcha was "reeks". Not sure if there is some hidden meaning there...

Stephanie Zvan said...

You're making me weepy here, dude. In exactly the right way.