Wherein DuWayne Rants About the #$@&ing Drug Laws

Before I start, I would really like to recommend that you take a listen to Gabriela Montero. I recently discovered her whilst listening to one of my Pandora stations and her playing made me weep for the beauty and the passion with which she throws herself into her variations and compositions. Gabriela is a wholly remarkable pianist, a child prodigy who has matured into brilliant and nuanced composer. And she is also great stress relief...

I have had a not so grand day today. It started well enough, though not as productively as I might have wished. And I had a fantastic visit with the doctor, where we discussed my meds and how the new regimen has been working out. We decided to double my dose of Wellbutrin, from 100mg in the morning to 100mg in the morning and another at lunch (something I was going to do a couple weeks ago, but chose to wait because he wanted to see me to add the extra dose). I was actually feeling pretty damned good when I left the doctor's office - almost three and I had only smoked two cigarettes all day.

How quickly things can change. Today I discovered just how fragile a thing, this thing that is my calm and collect self.

More...

The fucking war on drugs put me on the verge of a nervous fucking breakdown today. Though I was heading that way when I went to get my scripts filled in the first place.

My fucking Wellbutrin costs eighty-six fucking dollars as a fucking generic. Eighty-six dollars!!! And the version I am taking is not available much cheaper anywhere - including mail order. I very nearly started crying in the fucking store when they told me that. I'm working on getting help with my scripts through the state, but the wheels turn slowly. My folks are helping out some, but that just stresses me out more, because I don't want to be a fucking burden on them at thirty-two years old. I was frustrated and angry and decided to hold off on that one to see if I could find to cheaper elsewhere, or if there might be another option for finding Bupropion for less, but in the same dose as I've been taking.

No such luck, this time around.

So I decide to get it filled and owe my parents even more. Fucking yeah for me!!! I headed back to Wal-Mart and handed the women at the window the script, having completely forgotten that I had been told earlier (when I dropped off the others) that they were out of that one anyways. The women at the window punched it all into the computer and told me it would be about twenty minutes, so I sat down to wait. After about half an hour, the women who had originally taken my scripts came out to remind me that they were out of that particular dosage of Wellbutrin. Mind you, the women who had taken the script had seen me sitting there several times, while helping other fucking customers - never once occurred to her to let me know that I couldn't get my fucking drug. Nor did they consider just fucking calling me to tell me - if they hadn't noticed (they are usually really good about calling for stuff like that and they weren't very busy).

What the fuck does this have to do with the war in drugs, you ask?

I had a check with me, written for the total cost of all three of my scripts. And even though another Wal-Mart has the Welbutrin, I couldn't pay for it at the one I was in. So I had to transfer the other two to the other fucking pharmacy as well. The only problem being that Clonidine and Ritalin are controlled fucking substances and they can't be called in. They can't be faxed over and apparently, they can't even get them ready in anticipation of the fucking paper script being brought in. Nor can they be refilled - every month, my doctor has to write another script for me.

Of course I had wasted nearly half an hour sitting in fucking Wal-Mart before I became aware that I would have to go to another store - about half an hour across town. And not only would I have to run over there to get them, I would have to fucking wait there while they filled my other two scripts - because we have the most ridiculous fucking drug laws ever. Mind you, it was close to dinner time and a friend of mine was joining us. I was about fifteen minutes late when it was all over with. (Though I did get a text from the most beautiful and brilliant women in the world, who just seems to know when a text from her is going to take the edge off of stressful situations - thanks Juniper)

My problems today and with getting more than thirty days worth of my meds at a time, are far from the only egregious intrusion that our draconian drug laws have thrust into medicine. Because of course, there is also the war on pain management to be considered. You know, the war in which not only patients who doctor shop and fraudulently acquire multiple scripts for the same pain killers (often times to sell them) got to jail, but even doctors who appear to be over prescribing and patients who are engaged in a good faith pain management regimen with their (only) prescribing doctor.

I am so fucking tired of this paternalistic fucking bullshit! This has gotten beyond fucking ridiculous - went beyond that point fucking years ago. The war on drugs interferes with the ability of doctors to care for patients, therapists to freely help drug addicts and substance abusers and patients to have reasonably simple and rather less costly access to their medications.

Fuck You drug warriors - Every MotherFucking One of You!!!

In Which DuWayne Discusses Quitting Smoking

I would like to state before you read further, that I discuss e-cigarettes in this post, as a potential aid to quitting smoking. I want to be very clear that there is little to no evidence supporting the safety or efficacy of e-cigs as a smoking cessation tool. While it is reasonable to assume that these are safer than smoking (they are basically nicotine vaporizers), it should not be assumed that they are safe. I look at it as a harm reduction technique for quitting smoking, not as a safe alternative to regular cigarettes.

I have tried several times over the years, yet the best I've managed is a couple months. And even then, I broke down five or six times and had a smoke. I just don't have the luxury of putting it off any longer - the price has gone way beyond my ability to afford it, my body needs me to quit and my children need me to quit.

Before the first (when the federal tax went into affect) I stocked up on about a months supply of tobacco and decided that when that was gone, I am quitting. One of the reasons I discussed the medications I am currently taking, was that the Clonidine and Welbutrin, aside from being found effective for both bipolar and ADHD, are also useful for quitting smoking. Welbutrin is good for smoking specifically, while Clonidine is good for treating the symptoms of withdrawal from heroin, (possibly) alcohol and tobacco. But with all of that, I am still rather nervous about quitting.

My smoking addiction is far more than just nicotine craving, more even than habit. There are some fairly deep seated issues involved with my smoking that have made it extremely difficult for me to even consider quitting. And honestly, I really love smoking - in much the same way that some people love fine beers, great whiskey or excellent coffees (all of which I am fond of). Combined, this just makes it very hard for me to quit - yet quit I must.

So I am arming myself with tools that I am hopeful will make it easier for me to quit and quit successfully. Now I already mentioned the meds, which are not really for quitting smoking, but the smoking cessation properties of which I definitely considered when I discussed them with my doctor. I am also discussing smoking and why I smoke with my therapist. Finally, I just ordered something that I am very hopeful will get me the rest of the way. Already vetted by a couple of people at school and a few folks I am in email contact with, I bought at E-cigarette.

The E-cigarette, is basically a nicotine vaporizer that is shaped like and hits like a regular cigarette. It even tastes a lot like a cigarette, though according to the four people I have discussed it with, it definitely isn't exactly the same. And it does come in several flavors, though I am not the least interested in trying any but the tobacco flavor - at least for now.

I bought one of the cheapest models, found here. This same model is available with only five cartridges, for about eight dollars less or can be bought with even more cartridges - the cartridges of course becoming cheaper the more you buy. I also bought a bottle of the liquid that goes into the cartridges, to see how well that would work out and to get some variety within the tobacco flavors. I am really looking forward to trying this out, as all four of the people I know who've gotten one are really pleased with it and have been very rapidly weening off of actual cigarettes. One of them switched entirely from actual cigarettes, as soon as he got it and while he occasionally wants a real one, seems to be managing well enough.

I am also looking forward to utilizing this product as a step-down method for quitting nicotine as well. The cartridges and liquid comes in different strengths, including nicotine free. As well, they advertise an herbal formula that purports to help reduce the nicotine craving.

I will definitely be writing about slowing down and quitting smoking, as I make progress. I will also be writing about the E-cigarette specifically, as I am hoping that it will be as effective for me, as it seems to be for the folks I know who already have one. Regardless of how it works for me, by many accounts (there are forums) this seems to be a very effective tool for a great many people.

I would note however, that there is little to no evidence as to the safety or efficacy of E-Cigs. On the other hand, they vaporize a mixture of nicotine, glycerin and flavoring, rather than burning actual tobacco, which alone is rife with chemicals and to which more chemicals are often added.

I will also email some of the medi-bloggers I know and see if I can get them to weigh in on the e-cigs.

Post Wizard and Doctor Update...

It was a very interesting and stressful day yesterday. Therapy was pretty intense for me, as usual and the visit to the doctor was pretty intense too - though I really think that the two on the same day is rather helpful. It helps to deal with both on the same day, because both are hard to deal with and getting them done together is much easier than trying to go through this shit on two different days. And it also puts everything firmly to the forefront, so I can really provide the doctor with solid perspective.

Last night I didn't take the Seroquel. I'm still a little off, but feel better than I have since I started taking it - and that even though I started my new meds right away. Before I talk about those though, I really want to be clear about something. Just because Seroquel didn't work for me, doesn't mean it's not a good drug. It just means it wasn't a good fit for me.

I recently reconnected with an old friend. Back when she was part of the group of friends I spent a lot of time with, nine years ago or so, she was pretty extreme in many of her behaviors. And she was also pretty obsessive. When I ran into her about a week ago, she was really stable - a huge difference. As soon as I mentioned this difference she said that changing the influences in her life and therapy had helped, but that the biggest help was from her meds. When I asked her what she's taking, she said Seroquel.

And that's the thing about psych meds (or most meds really), what works for one person, may not work so well for another.

So now I am continuing on the Ritalin and occasional Xanax, while replacing the Seroquel with Welbutrin and Clonidine - we shall see how it goes...

Off to see the Wizard and other thoughts...

So I am getting set to see my therapist shortly. I do have a post in the works, hopefully for this afternoon - one that rather steps away from most of my recent posts. I am working on a post about Meaning post Faith. I intend to write several posts over the next few months, detailing some of the issues that helped hold me back from shedding my Faith, we'll see how it goes.

I am definitely thinking that Seroquel is not going to work out real well. I know a couple of my wonderful blog friends are into neurology and/or pharmacology. I have discussed this with one of my pharmacology friends who recommended that I discuss the possibility of switching off Seroquel in favor of Clonidine and Welbutrin. If others have any thoughts on that, I would love to hear them. I have a week before I see the doctor next and would like to have some solid ideas to discuss with him.

The lowdown on my problems with SSRI's is that I had sex drive problems - on steroids. The lack of sex drive really isn't a problem for me - indeed at the moment it would be kind of nice. But mine went beyond mere lack of desire, I actually experienced discomfort in the genital region. A sort of dullness that was accentuated by a prickly feeling. I have been told that I probably wouldn't have the same problems with Welbutrin, but that it is a possibility. It may seem a silly concern, mainly because I just can't really know until I try, but I would prefer to avoid trying anything that is extremely likely to be a problem - I am paying out of pocket for my scripts and on student loans this is not a small concern.

Back to the wizard.

I am going to be discussing the meds of course, but also will be delving into the problem of feeling. I really wanted to write another post on how DuWayne got to where he is, continuing my series from last Thursday, but the damned Seroquel was not making that easy. I am going to try to get on that in the next few days, because it really seems to be useful for me. We'll just have to see.

The big issue that we have been running up against, is my issues with really delving into my feelings. I had this inane notion that I was pretty solidly in touch with my feelings and emotions, but have been realizing that this is not entirely accurate. Rather I have been very keen on dancing around my feelings and focusing an awful lot on others, to the detriment of my own personal connections to me. We'll just have to see how it goes, I'm definitely going to try.

I would also like to apologize to those who have been writing me this week and not gotten a response. I am not ignoring you, I just have not had it in me to write much. Also, I would really appreciate it if folks wouldn't IM me. I really hate to message like that, with very few exceptions. Please feel free to email and I promise I will get to you eventually. Messaging is just a little too much for me.